Entr’acte

“DUDE! I’d totally dig that one, so cute!!”
He never found them cute.

He was perfectly straight. Heck, guys getting too close always freaked him out. He was no homophobic, but the very thought of two bro’s getting on top of each other, he found it WRONG. Not the “Rome is the capital of Italy” way wrong, but the “Oh My God dude.. you are kissing a dude” way wrong. He was straight, yet never was particularly, aggressively, “Eric Seagel’s- Love Story”-ishly drawn to anyone of the opposite camp.

What the hell is cute about them anyway!? Moody, self-obsessed, talkative, compulsive, and a thousand other adjectives he had in his mind to describe them. Its not like they were sour grapes for him, he had been with many before. And with each passing one, he only experienced a different taste of torture. He looked back at the kinds he had experienced over the years. Some were outright ugly! I believe that everyone has the right to be treated equally, but you challenge this belief i possess, sorry to say. Moving along, there were the variety that seemed to have just one motive in life, TALK. And not sensible talk. Every person has his purpose to be sent on this planet, but these species made him question the phrase. Then there was the bunch that seemed to be impervious to all words in the dictionary except “I” and “ME”. They made him feel like one of their many objects of adornment. All the world was a stage and they fancied themselves the director of this skit. On taking a break from this group, he ran into the clique that gave him a run for his vocabulary. Though the specimens of this coterie were fun enough to “be around” and awesome to be SEEN WITH, they would kill him in one department, WORDS. It was uncanny that their sentences comprised just enough vowels to make them look sober. This hungry lot always feasted on the prime vowels and he eventually would get drunk enough to understand what exactly each one conveyed, NOTHING. Ergo, he was not jumping the gun. He spoke from experience.

So what is it that pulls them other guys and make them want to stick around for the time they actually stick around!? The answer eluded him despite his travails in the troubled waters of this territory. He tried to picture the perfect woman. What was it that could be done away with, and what was missing, that could make the package a whole lot more fun to be with. He pictured a blank slate, and began drawing. The hair, the face, the eyes, the smile, the uhhh… rest of the body, and the speech. Like the angels were singing hymns. The laughter that could disarm the most stone-hearted individual. All this, in the classic cinematographer’s style of wind blowing through her hair, and a hue of heavenly glow on her face. The attitude, none to arrogant, yet a slight tinge of elegance and panache. Ah, Perfect!

A bunch of jumbled English and Hindi words served him a rude awakening. A female was waiting on him. From her gestures and occasional comprehendible words, he deduced that she wanted to occupy the seat next to him. He grimly told her “that is where my hope rests”. She sat anyway, he knew she did not catch his flow. He was left hopeless. A dude in distress. And the train of history, crushes, cute guys, mean girls, and awesome movies chugged off to a start. “I’m going to need a few more shots here, around 10 should suffice!!”.

That is it, god hates me. I guess i should have listened to my mom and dad when they told me about karma! This just has to be my karma! I must have been something pure evil, something extraordinarily satanic something so despicable to deserve being put through such dark times. He was convinced. He had conformed to the idea of the non-existence of a princess Leila to his Captain Hans Solo. “Thanks for all your support till now god, i guess we part ways here”.

Just as he gave up all hope on finding a convincing argument to negate his convictions, there was a voice behind him, “Uhh Hi, is this seat occupied?”. He turned around and scrubbed his eyes to confirm that presence, the hair flowing, the eyes, the smile, the voice!!

“Damn you GOD!!”

To Cheat is Human……

“Psssst…… Dude, question number 5 NOW…please!!”
“uhmm…”

Sophocles quotes “I would prefer even to fail with honour than to win by cheating.” Clearly he had not attempted an engineering end semester exam in his life!
But examinations are meant to test your understanding of concepts, grasping of ideas and application of these in real-time environments. And cheating is an integral component of real-time environments, some would argue. How else would kleptocrats survive! How else would bridges and house ceilings collapse and kill hundreds without anyone to shoulder the responsibility?

“… How else would i pass this freaking subject!!?”
“yeah…. that too!”

Hence cheating is justified under the circumstances we breed in? Or is it a cocoon that we weave to console ourselves and keep at bay, the feelings of guilt and disgust? Cheating is voluntary. This means the person indulging is very well aware of the act and its repercussions. Yet he confronts and somehow seems to overpower what the enlightened ones call the powerhouse of the mind, the centre of the body, the essence of the soul… The Conscience! Is the tipping off factor greed? … for more, more marks, more money, more “moh-maya”? Maybe. Maybe not.
Cheating is a short-cut bypass for hard-work? No. People work-hard to cheat, just as hard as people work to avoid it. As my years of experience, which many would rather call inexperience, have revealed…. Cheating, is an art. It needs perfection. It needs practice. It needs involvement.

“I spent the last four days devising this new technique. Just play along. This is foolproof, i analysed every aspect that could go wrong. Mwa ha ha ha ha”
“Funny you should say that, considering we have to do just that in the question you just asked me.”

It is human to err. So why is the average human so scared to err? Why, to avoid not knowing, does he want to cast an impression that he knows. Why would he rely on someone else’s thoughts to pass off as his own. How would he, tomorrow, face himself? How would he, in the years to come, pass off the guilt as just another bad day at the office?! Would it not be more suitable to err and learn!?

“To err is heaven, but to forgive…. Divine! so unless i am taught and evaluated by gods, cheating is my only resort!”
“The gods must be crazy… But evaluating an end semester engineering exam?! Uhhh leave that to the humans.”

The Roman poet Lucan once said,”God cheats men into living on by hiding how blest it is to die!”. Everyone cheats! You cannot not-cheat! And this fact i stand firm on. As a baby, every baby cries. The shrill annoying bewitched cry. And to me, its always for no apparent reason. Though initially maybe it was because "it" was transferred from a nice cosy comfortable womb to an insecure, sadistic, envious world. But hey, some things you got to live with! No use crying over it like a kid! Yet "it" does. And as "it" gets older, "it" times the tantrum to "its" advantage. To get "its" needs fulfilled. Cheating, all the same. So please slap yourself if you prided yourself over being a non-cheater!

“I am a cheater! And a proud one at that!”
“hi-5!!”

So that is the answer! “Take pride in what you do”, the elders could not have said it better! Cheat! And be proud of the fact! Clearly all my thoughts against cheating are not valid in the context of the age we live in. Change is the only thing that is permanent, going with the trend, apparently these days there IS a substitute for hard work!

“Finally you have seen the divine light of realization! Now tell me before i punch your face in…. what is the answer to Question 5??”
“Ahh yes, note it down fast… The statements offered are ambiguous, and clearly the solution is only conjured up to justify the falsely accepted claims made by the author…..”.

;)
We all cheat, don't we?

Verbal Diarrhoea

There comes a time in every man and, before you start calling me sexist, woman's life (presumably, i cannot definitely say as i have never understood this genre), when they have hated someone so badly and run out of bad things to say about them.... This recent report caught my minds eye, and its for the above described bunch...
Remember, good offensive adjectives are hard to come by... So Reduce, Reuse, Recycle! :D If you are addressing Justin Bieber, you are exempted from the rule!

Pre-requisite: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaQ0DHTFjUU
The aaarghh is because i could not think of an apt title.

Arrrrghhh..ticle :

There was a tremendous buzz around the oxford hall today, where thousands of adjectives gathered to protest over their indiscriminate and uncalled for association with social rejects. Though not un-common in the area, it caught people’s attention due to the absence of any politician. The move came following people, these days, running out of adjectives to describe douche bags.
The adjectives led by Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, were rallying around in circles. It seems the adjectives had one objective (pun intended if funny), Justice and equality, which may seem like two words but as clarified by Obama through innumerable lectures in Iraq, they are two words one definition. The two nouns could not be found for comment as they were away in Korea (yes, the Koreans are at war… AGAIN!!).
The sudden eruption of emotions was seen as an unavoidable consequence of us humans indiscreetly and mercilessly using up the adjectives, not saving any thought for future generations. According to Indian scientists who migrated to Europe years back, “If this trend continues, we could run out of all offensive adjectives in another 12 years!”. A horribly excruciatingly startling fact!
The rally saw prominent adjectives taking part. Amongst the prominent characters were African-American, which shot to fame following the Obama victory. There were also the whore clique, and the awesome gang. Despite the gravity of the cause there were some big names who could not be found. The Ugly fat-ass clan was away understandably due to a Dolly Bindra press-conference in the vicinity. Abomination, gay and asswipe communities were absent. We assume a Justin Bieber “concert” was the only possible reason for this.
The adjectives all were visibly irritated as they went on chanting noun after noun. The nouns took no offence and were pleased with someone using them so often for a change, apart from a Name Place Animal Thing game.
On being asked for what they thought could be an apt way out of this crisis, they unanimously replied, “Take a page out of asha bhonsle's life. Don't use adjectives to describe your dirty side or erotic side, use nouns... Carry it off.”The characters were referring to a certain song by asha bhonsle in which she apparently morphs into various dairy and animal consumables apart from alcoholic beverages. In the words of the words themselves: "Doodh ban jao, malai ban jao, machhi ban jao, kebab ban jao, botalon mein daal ke sharab ban jao..... But for gods sake keep us out of all this shit"
Though we made them aware that this would put the nouns in danger of extinction and human brains at mortal peril, the adjectives said,”We don't give a syllable's fate in a wannabe's vocabulary...”. a few half eaten syllables, running from the wannabe generation humans, turned to give the adjectives their dirtiest looks, though no-one could make sense of it as they missed half their syllables.
“We shall boycott sentences until concrete steps are taken to safeguard us adjectives”, said the adjective leader whose name we refuse to print due to space constraints. Till then Suresh Kalmadi, A Raja, and General Kapoor can presumably breathe easy as no-one presently has offensive adjectives to use against them.