We Are Done Here

***Caution: The stunts performed in this post were carried out under extreme care and supervision, please do not try this at home, and especially not if you have just been busted by the Emotional Atyachar crew.***
<your gender here> : “Hi, I think we should not be seeing each other here.”! –> henceforth referred to as “dumper”
<(ex-)partners gender here (precaution taken not to write opposite gender only, and invite the wrath of “the community”)> : “Naaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnn!!!” –>  henceforth referred to as “dumped”
There comes a time in every human’s life when you realize that who you thought was your “special one” or something of the sort, but their very presence only makes you want to run away. Far away. So its basically a very sad state to be in and the only escape?? A BREAK-UP! The word pair that drives a shiver down any guys spine and a tear down an average girl’s cheek. But break-ups are essential for a better relation to grow (Weird, but true!).
<Dumper>: “Yeah, it’s not the best idea for us to continue like this, we are heading nowhere!”
<Dumped>: “……”
Though I’m not much for focus on the dodgy waters of “relationships”, the break-ups caught my eye. In my years of service as a student first at a school, and now at a larger institution (a college, in very glorified terms), i have come across a wide variety of break-ups. And even more interesting are the behaviours of the people who indulge in these acts. Interestingly weird, others call it. Hence it was, but natural for me to take an interest in this very issue.
So, there exist a variety of dumpers. Lets begin with the most common, the clichéd dumper. The most boring and un-imaginative type. Repeating the same old off-beat statements that have been passed down the generations, and mostly have become obsolete. Its better to get dumped by these people than go on trying to work things out with them, they are dull and stupid, and as someone aptly had said “fame is fleeting, but stupidity…… Eternal!”.
<Dumper>: “Its not you, its me. You are perfect, but I just am not looking for something serious at the moment. You deserve better than me. I am sorry but i just cannot impose myself on you anymore.”
<Dumped>(Ideal response) : “Hell yeah! i deserve someone who can at least break up with me in a non-textbook manner. You got that damn straight, i deserve someone who can actually make me cry! Goddammit you just make me laugh. Hence, (with panache)Break-up or not… frankly, I don’t give a damn!”
We move our focus over to the textual dumper. The most wrath-invoking bunch. They like to believe in a phrase they wrongly heard from somewhere as “words speak louder than actions”. Taking it further, clearly the fact that texts speak louder than words and thereby are the loudest, is apparent reality to them. Very very intriguing is this particular dumper. He has the guts to type out an entire text highlighting the shortcomings of the relationship, but not the vitals to actually spit it out on the face. The best case in this category i have seen was when the dumper, actually topped off the message with an emoticon!! I really don’t see how anyone would take such a message seriously,
<Dumper>: “i thnk v shd nt c ech odr nemr, v r jst 2 diff 2 b 2gdr. i m sry bt v hv 2 brk up! :-( :-/ ”
<Dumped>: “LOL… :-D …. OMG, r u crs? bt y? OMG OMG OMG, ds is nt hpnin. OMG cn v atlst meet(i frankly don’t know how to shorten “meet”) 1ce b4 v do ds? OMG no! :’-( ”
Leaving them to their half-conversations, i cast an eye upon the Maroon-5 dumper gang. The most vivacious lot. They break up, and then slip into an everlasting cocoon of depression and stuff that over time, gets really annoying!! Yeah, some of their songs are good, but please try a different them once in a while!!
<Maroon-5>: “I’m not fine, I’m in pain, Its harder everyday…. Maybe we’re better off this way, its better that we break…”
<Dumped>: “Uhh…. *sob* Ok..”

******** 10 years later ********

<Maroon-5>: “This love has taken its toll on me, she said goodbye too many times before. I have no choice, cuz i wont say goodbye anymore! ……… ”
<Marooned-5>: “Dude, we broke up ages ago!! Get over it!!”

To dump, or not to dump that is not the question! How to dump!? That is the question, and generations have come and gone, but none have found the secret to a perfect break-up! Maybe we shall, some day!! But till then, tears shall be shed and wails will take the skies by storm as this never-ending war against emotions, shall take its casualties!

Entr’acte

“DUDE! I’d totally dig that one, so cute!!”
He never found them cute.

He was perfectly straight. Heck, guys getting too close always freaked him out. He was no homophobic, but the very thought of two bro’s getting on top of each other, he found it WRONG. Not the “Rome is the capital of Italy” way wrong, but the “Oh My God dude.. you are kissing a dude” way wrong. He was straight, yet never was particularly, aggressively, “Eric Seagel’s- Love Story”-ishly drawn to anyone of the opposite camp.

What the hell is cute about them anyway!? Moody, self-obsessed, talkative, compulsive, and a thousand other adjectives he had in his mind to describe them. Its not like they were sour grapes for him, he had been with many before. And with each passing one, he only experienced a different taste of torture. He looked back at the kinds he had experienced over the years. Some were outright ugly! I believe that everyone has the right to be treated equally, but you challenge this belief i possess, sorry to say. Moving along, there were the variety that seemed to have just one motive in life, TALK. And not sensible talk. Every person has his purpose to be sent on this planet, but these species made him question the phrase. Then there was the bunch that seemed to be impervious to all words in the dictionary except “I” and “ME”. They made him feel like one of their many objects of adornment. All the world was a stage and they fancied themselves the director of this skit. On taking a break from this group, he ran into the clique that gave him a run for his vocabulary. Though the specimens of this coterie were fun enough to “be around” and awesome to be SEEN WITH, they would kill him in one department, WORDS. It was uncanny that their sentences comprised just enough vowels to make them look sober. This hungry lot always feasted on the prime vowels and he eventually would get drunk enough to understand what exactly each one conveyed, NOTHING. Ergo, he was not jumping the gun. He spoke from experience.

So what is it that pulls them other guys and make them want to stick around for the time they actually stick around!? The answer eluded him despite his travails in the troubled waters of this territory. He tried to picture the perfect woman. What was it that could be done away with, and what was missing, that could make the package a whole lot more fun to be with. He pictured a blank slate, and began drawing. The hair, the face, the eyes, the smile, the uhhh… rest of the body, and the speech. Like the angels were singing hymns. The laughter that could disarm the most stone-hearted individual. All this, in the classic cinematographer’s style of wind blowing through her hair, and a hue of heavenly glow on her face. The attitude, none to arrogant, yet a slight tinge of elegance and panache. Ah, Perfect!

A bunch of jumbled English and Hindi words served him a rude awakening. A female was waiting on him. From her gestures and occasional comprehendible words, he deduced that she wanted to occupy the seat next to him. He grimly told her “that is where my hope rests”. She sat anyway, he knew she did not catch his flow. He was left hopeless. A dude in distress. And the train of history, crushes, cute guys, mean girls, and awesome movies chugged off to a start. “I’m going to need a few more shots here, around 10 should suffice!!”.

That is it, god hates me. I guess i should have listened to my mom and dad when they told me about karma! This just has to be my karma! I must have been something pure evil, something extraordinarily satanic something so despicable to deserve being put through such dark times. He was convinced. He had conformed to the idea of the non-existence of a princess Leila to his Captain Hans Solo. “Thanks for all your support till now god, i guess we part ways here”.

Just as he gave up all hope on finding a convincing argument to negate his convictions, there was a voice behind him, “Uhh Hi, is this seat occupied?”. He turned around and scrubbed his eyes to confirm that presence, the hair flowing, the eyes, the smile, the voice!!

“Damn you GOD!!”