Big balls; Arsenal to press charges

You know that feeling, when you're just sittin' there, minding your own business, being a good football team an' all.... and then this other team comes up and whooops your ass by 6 goals? No? Read on.
In a blur of an hour and a half yesterday, 11 members of the Arsenal squad were left in tears and licking their wounds as; in broad daylight, and under the nose of 30K+ odd people; several wounds were inflicted upon their dignity. "It was rape!", cried one of the onlookers, "I tried to help, I screamed for help! I screamed, but i was helpless. Oh god i was helpless! Why?", he continued as he broke into uncontrollable sobs. Following the debacle that left all of the Arsenal squad grippin' their clothes and fleeing to save any tid-bits of dignity they had left; Arsene Wenger, who was hospitalized following the heavy blows to his dignity, heart and mind, declared that they would press charges of rape and assault against Manchester United, making clear that "stick and stones might break my bones, but raping ain't gonna hurt me *Owww*".
In an ordeal that lasted an hour and a half, the Arsenal players seemed unwary of what was to come as they shared laughs and shook hands with Manchester United players at the start. In events that followed thereafter, several of the players were robbed of their dignity as every Manchester United player lent his hand to make it unforgettable. "They were everywhere, oh them wretched devils! All over me! Aaargh.", sobbed one victim whom the Goalkeeper of the ManU squad had made special efforts to rape, in the box and outside it.
The worst affected in the series of events was none other than the Arsenal goalkeeper himself. As player after player came and went, he was shown little mercy, being raped all over the goal. Following the 4th rape he could be seen, just standing at the goal, not even attempting to move/resist, numb. Defenders gave him little joy as they offered very little resistance to ManU players ganging up on the little polish guy.
Following the gang rape, Arsenal have decided to press charges in a court. "We have rights! They raped us! Raped us of our dignity! IT WAS RAPE!", whimpered the captain of the squad. The charges among st others could include forcefully thrusting themselves upon an underage squad. A very serious offence, as the ManU players mercilessly raped a squad with an average age of 23.6. Old man Rooney was responsible for raping many of the small boys, as he gave the cameras a sly smile later.
The player now are on the road to recover from the physical and mental trauma dealt to them in such a hurry, yet Swansea City were seen licking their lips at the thought of the treat that awaits them. In an attempt to speed up the recovery, Arsenal approached Indian politicians, experts at recovering after constantly having their feet in their mouth. As reports last came in, disappointment awaited the squad here too as they were promptly told,"Foot in the mouth is our forte, we don't deal with a foot in the arse."

The Silence, it's Murder!

A laugh and a giggle,
Such frivolous waste,
A hidden expression,
Just waitin' to surface.
Yon' solitary mind,
Wander doth mazed,
Through letter and kind,
Searching.
Ever,
That reason to bear.
Speechless in stare.

A growing feeling,
Upon the hand unused,
Reeling.
Screaming.
The tiny voice inside,
Dreams,
Ideas,
Fore from their hide.

The hand squiggles, the lines that were,
Bound leaping, out, a-fore,
The hand that squiggled paused for more,
Squiggled on, spilled all o'er.

What a waste, to mind does come,
'twas that time to laugh in a drone.

Alas the masterpiece finished.
An eye around cast long shadows,
The places that laughs once hallowed,
The payment, overdue ensured,
The shadows got longer, as the words flowed.
Lay in the burden of words, his own,
Lay the hand, and the words of his own.
Words he freed, words, his home,
Words, his only companion.

He lay,
Mind astray,
Back in the day,
Eyes, ears every way,
Upon every lie he'd say.

The laugh the giggle, all that waste,
Back onto his expressionless face,
The reigning disparity within his head,
And once again the words were dead...
The words, his own, the words, dead.

*Boom* You Just Got Stereotyped!

DISCLAIMER: If you are someone who is easily offended, then please refer to the footnote before the main article.
Whoever said that this world is made up of all kinds of people really hadn’t lived past the nineties so i bet they wouldn’t know better than to dare group the vast number of stereotypes into a vast, more unified class of “human beings”!! Seriously WTF!?
Our present society thrives on distinction. But then again we all recognize the fact that distinction is only possible to a finite extent. That’s why the medieval society is believed to have stopped at the shudras. Going below that would just mean inventing new and more menial jobs… Bah too much of an effort. But as society evolved, and egos followed suit, the lower castes learned that with the great democracy came some great privileges in the form of protests and riots. As they sprung into action, slowly those distinctions slipped into obsolesce.
Living in a society sans any reason to fight/mock another amongst ourselves was too much for us to bear. Hence we the people began looking around, travelling and learning the variety of cultures that co-existed. Finally great minds sat together and discussed the present scenario and the various records were gathered from the travellers. After years of toil, *EUREKA* we built an infallible division in society. The elders christened it “the Stereotypes”!! *sniff* it was beautiful! An international phenomenon FIRST TIME IN INDIA!! It was an instant attraction.
In the decades that followed (and I wouldn’t be surprised if you still find it pretty “kewl”) the northern-ers seemed to beat the rest of the country at this game by having anecdotes on almost every distinctive class of people. Though the official document went extensively into details regarding every sect and clique possible, due to space constraints i would like to present only a few of the salient features of this governing and all powerful document:

WE, THE PEOPLE OF INDIA, having solemnly resolved to constitute India into a SOVEREIGN REGIONALIST INTOLERANT CORRUPT REPUBLIC and to secure to all its stereotypes:
A STATE, a geographical land mass that your ancestors settled in and thrust upon you as your “home” and staple reply to “tum kahan se ho?”
LIBERTY of thought, expression, belief, faith and worship; And hence liberty to decide under which pretext you shall be mocked by others
EQUALITY of status and of opportunity; though only within the same clique of stereotypes, do not expect any equality outside of the group you have been stereotyped under
and to promote among them all
FRATERNITY destroying the dignity of the individual and the unity and integrity of the Nation.

Further this self- righteous document stated:

The country shall be divided into cliques based on the geographical location of the individual and his origins. The basis for mockery can change dynamically and shall adhere with the basic Human Rights, just so that no gay international institution decides to question our actions.
There shall exist an imaginary line diving the nation above and including Maharashtra, into the broad “punjabi type” category. The portion of land south to this shall consist of “madrasi type” category. A detailed description and entities comprising each category is herewith enclosed.
The pujabis shall further encompass the stingy marwadis, who are scrupulous in matters of money and despite having the vastest of riches would prefer to come off as extremely poor so as to attract discounts. Another sub-class would be the marathis, with screwed up sense of virtues and Dharma they would come to be the fighting lot. Along the east coast would lie the Bongs, not the instruments of filtering illegal substances, but the instruments of extreme “O”-valisation of words and fish gougers. Above them shall lie the Biharis, the ones who steal the jobs that demand extreme hard-work and low pay, the stupidest children of our motherland who would surprisingly spring up brains only for the most competitive tests in the country, but be really stupid otherwise. Others there would be the violence prone Kashmiri storming around demanding their own independent land where they can be free to explode anything and kill anyone. Also this region would house the UP-ites, hell bent upon raising their statues all over the place. Oh yes, and also the forgotten ones, the north –eastern states. Very isolated, ignored and mostly would be mocked as chinky (a slang for Chinese monkey).
The madarasis would be a thing in themselves. Though not much is known till date about this clique, its an established fact that they would excel in academics, be really dark, and speak funny english (which would still be pretty clean in terms of grammar and semantics, unlike the punjabis). This bunch would be mocked under the pretext of their strange language that serves as a tongue twister for the rest of the country. Apart from this there is very little known on this sect as barely anything they said could be comprehended apart from being visually very humorous.
….

Clearly our society has made major headway in these areas and continues to do so with immense vigour! Long live the Indian Democracy!
P.S. Do we really mean any of the highly preached principles we talk about in our constitution and other “national integrity” parades? What good is a nation that fights within itself and yet aspires to be a superpower one day. A chain is only as strong as its weakest link, and i assure you friends, our weakest link can be exploited by the slightest of disturbance. To be impenetrable to the outside world, we must at least strongly bond within. I don’t preach of my friend in Kanyakumari and Srinagar meeting every month over a cup of coffee, i just dream of a state where my friend in Mumbai does not vie for the blood of another in Patna. Laughing at ourselves is one thing, as long as we know when to rise above it and stand united. For anyone who felt bad by what was mentioned by their “stereotype”, its out there and that's why i wrote it. If you really got the message you would not feel offended, but instead feel the need for change.

Every Man For Himself

They say that sometimes realization can dawn upon you in the least expected ways and times. For him it was one early Friday morning. Lying awake for some reason till early in the morning and staring at the wall above him, dreaming as dreamers do with eyes wide open. Letting his mind free and standing by, watching it breed in its natural habitat of thought was something of his recent hobby. That poor beast that he would keep tamed all day as it was a societal menace,was leaping about making the most of this temporary freedom. He knew that the forest of HIS thoughts was a dangerous territory, a dark place that scared him too. But every early dawn he would still let his mind foray through it.
Today he felt different. Not the usual self that just silently followed his mind traversing the forest. Today  he felt limp, something kept dragging him back. He looked down upon himself and gasped… he was in crutches. Crutches that he had to keep holding on to, to keep from falling. Crutches below which his ability of free thought and action were smashed.
Independence of thought, opinion, and action is a treasured possession. He now felt deprived of this very basic human need. As he slowly limped along the trail of thoughts that the crutches carried him through, he remembered something he had learned recently, “Like attracts like, this universe is built upon that principle”. Were his own actions and thoughts to blame for his current situation? A coach chugged along in his path, he stumbled into it only to see many coaches were in tow, all chugging through the forest. He surveyed each coach, every time dawning upon a new, yet related, aspect of him being responsible for his state. At once he saw all those overly ambitious attempts at pleasing others at the cost of his feelings. Moving into the next, there he saw that time, when he instituted his foremost rule of never giving anyone the reigns to his feelings and how this had only let him down over time. He was now no more the rider, he was ridden by emotions. It was snuffing him out. The urge to break out of it all, to break these crutches and be on his own feet once again, was his only thought. He started to run, haplessly limping all the way… he ran and ran away from that forest, away from those memories that suddenly were more haunting than pleasing. He kept running far, just running to escape it all once and for all.
The capability to think for oneself is something we take for granted more often than not. Value it, value the fact that YOU can CHOOSE. Choice maketh a man, ‘tis said, and rightly so.

Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt!